It’s been awhile since I have blogged. Busy is an understatement but who isn’t now a days. With the mission busier than ever and demands at home I feel like I get zero April time but the plus of all of that is that I get to do something I love and be with people that I love and respect. I have had a lot happening in my personal life and I wasn’t sure if I would share or not with all you but tonight I decided that I needed to, needed to only for my own emotional safety. Emotional safety is a new word for me. It’s something I talk about on a daily basis at the mission with parents and children but something I have never thought about for myself. CRAZY I know. I am pretty good with practicing what I preach because if I don’t then I can’t model it for those that truly need it but I let it slip by.
About two weeks ago Mike and I were talking about getting a new bed; footboard and headboard. At 33 years old I can’t remember ever having one since my daybed when I was a child. Mike has been doing side work and I had mentioned that I would like and true to Mike form whatever I want he is more than happy to provide. I started to look online at choices and I had a meeting in Clarks Summit and some time to kill before my next one so I decided why not go look at furniture stores and cost it out. As I was walking around the store the song “Say” from Jon Mayer came on. For those that didn’t know me 2 years ago that was my “court song” every time we had to go I played it the whole way there and the whole way back. It gave me the courage I needed to say what I needed to say. At that moment in time I was able to brush it off and not let it affect me but a few minutes later I found myself walking into the kids bed section. I looked at stuff for Alexis and Kodee. Then something snapped inside of me, a flood of memories came rushing back. Would my baby ever be able to sleep in a regular bed? A bed that doesn’t touch the ground because bad things happen when your bed has room under it. All of the sudden I began to shake, I couldn’t breathe. I ran out of the store and I didn’t care what anyone thought. Huddled in my car shaking and trying my best not to cry but I couldn’t stop the flood. I tried like hell to remember all the things Ann has taught us over the years. Nothing was working and I wasn’t safe. I had never known that feeling or at least been aware of that feeling. It was cold and ugly and I needed it to stop. I called people I knew I would be safe with and asked to meet them at a safe location that I could cry and they would listen. For those of you who know me I don’t do venerable well. I will avoid it at all costs and sometimes I appear to be a stone cold *****, but it works for me. It protects me and makes me safe. So as I replayed the furniture store incident to them more things came rushing back and I couldn’t get off the crazy train. It seems that I had set my day up for this and I didn’t even realize it…. At 9:50 am I was to talk at the University of Scranton about Marley’s Mission. Mornings are crazy with getting two kids to school in two different towns. My Aunt LeeAnn was in town and she was excited to see me speak to a class and I had invited Mike for the first time ever to see me speak. As I was rushing around getting myself ready I made a mental note that LeeAnn hadn’t gotten up yet. Since her bedroom is in between my room and the bathroom I walked past it several times. I noted the time and got a bit worried because she is an early riser but I thought ok no worries. Then a half hour went by and my heart was pounding, why was she not up. I looked at the door and I swear it had an ominous tone to it. My feet were frozen; I couldn’t bring myself to knock on the door. A little back story from when I was 17 years old… I lived with my grandfather after my grandma died and he was up before the sun every morning. It was New Year's day morning and I had gone out the night before ever though he asked me not to but being 17 I didn’t listen. So when I woke that day and he wasn’t up and moving I knew deep down to my bones what that meant but I couldn’t bring myself to go back to his room. I remember calling my Aunt Mel and telling her my fears and crying, her saying April you have to go see, so I did. There he was half off the bed dead… So that day 16 years ago came rushing back full force. I found the courage and knocked and thankfully she answered. The morning went on; I spoke at the University, answering questions and telling the story and hopefully inspiring people to get involved. I left there went to a luncheon for the mission then went to Mercy hospital to visit someone I love very much who had just had surgery. After the visit I went bed shopping. I had created the perfect storm in my head but I didn’t even know it. My body was keenly aware that I had mixed the perfect ingredients for a PTSD flashback. When I shared all of this with my safe people it was hard not to dwell on July 5th. Hard to not go back and see it all. See her face and remember every hospital and what we were all wearing and who we spoke with. You can slip back so easily and get lost but I knew I was safe to do so. So we all got lost together in a moment in time that none of us wanted to be at in the first place. So let me get back to the emotional safety side of why I am sharing this story with you. It’s something we take for granted as parents. We are always taking care of someone else and putting our own needs last. Why because that’s our job and we do it because we love our kids but how can we expect them to be ok if we are not. Don’t mix these cocktails in your head they are pure poison and will eat you alive so do the best to take care of yourself so you can take care of the ones you love the most; your children.
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