So it’s been awhile since my last blog, not because I had nothing to say but because I seem to have zero time for anything. Marley’s Mission keeps me pretty busy and I am learning new things every day. Most of the time my head is spinning and I can’t even remember if I have eaten or not. I’m not complaining at all so don’t get me wrong. I love every minute of it…. Well ok I just lied. I hate most of it! I hate when I get a call and we can’t help or a parent needs answers and I have none. Those are the moments I hate. I wish I could rewind time and paid more attention in school, got better grades, gone to college and studied law so I would be better suited for this, But I didn’t so here we are. I do the best I can and most of the time it works out. Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them. They just want to be heard. I am one of those people. Thrust into a life I never wanted, but here I am. So I do the best I can. I don’t think this is something I will ever get used to and I don’t ever want to get used to it. If your use to it and it doesn’t affect then you might as well call it a day. Gene once said to me after I asked him how he could stand to do what he does. He said if he didn’t who would. I guess that’s where I am at.
But enough about what I hate about it. There are moments in the day that almost make you forget about the bad thing that happened (that’s what Kodee calls it) When I’m walking in the field with the horses, brushing them or just watching them interact with one another. When a new kid comes to the mission and you can see they are broken, you see the family who just wants their kid to be ok. It breaks your heart every time but then they emerge from the arena with a smile and a sort of swagger. It’s the best description I have of it. Anyway… My days are filled with hope too. I meet new people every day. I hear new and empowering stories of courage and strength. I see kids and families who have gone through hell and back and made it. It gives me hope for my own daughter and myself. And when I say that they made it I don’t mean everything is great I mean they stayed strong, stayed together and took it day by day. That is survival and sometimes that’s all you can do. A lot has been going on in my personal life lately and it has left me drained. I think it was last Monday that I listened for the first time to my 911 call. It was something I never wanted to do but knew at some point I had to. I always thought I would listen to it with Kodee when she was ready. In my mind I feel like I am leaving her behind by doing something’s. Does that make sense? One day she will ask to hear it and part of me wanted to do it together for the first time. But anyway I listened. It was a crazy out of body experience. I heard my voice, I heard hers. I heard me screaming and her crying. I relieved it just like it was happening. For the past 21 months I have always thought I yelled at her during that call. I can remember her coming out of my room where I told her to hide and me crying to the 911 operator about a man that had raped my 5 year old daughter. I can hear her in my head saying “mommy It’s ok…. Mommy I’m ok” and me yelling at her “IT’S NOT OK NOW GET IN MY ROOM!” For the last 21 months I have thought about that more than anything else. Why did I yell at my baby, how was it that she was able to comfort me at that time. I consumed me, So as I listened to the call that’s all my mind kept listening for. And you know what… I never yelled. The whole thing never happened. It was her and I crying together. Yes there was rage but not at her. I directed it at HIM! Where it belonged. As the tape ended all I kept thinking was how did that memory get there? Still even a week later I keep that memory. Maybe my mind can’t handle what really happened maybe that’s what I need right now. I don’t know… There is a ton that I don’t remember. Officer DeLuccie told me a year later that he spoke to me that night. I have no memory of that. Just bits and pieces, maybe one day it will come back but maybe it won’t. This last Wednesday I picked Kodee up from school to go to counseling. As I was driving she started to read…”In the early morning hours of July 5th, 2009 in a small northeastern Pennsylvania town ……” I looked into the rearview mirror and saw a Marley’s Mission brochure in her little hands. My heart began to pound and I didn’t know what to do so I did the only thing I could. I said so Kodee what did you eat for lunch? What was your favorite part of school today and on and on I went until we pulled safely into Marley’s Mission where Ann Cook waited for us. Kodee jumped out of the car, the brochure left on the floor of my car. She could care less but I was freaked out. When did she learn to read? I mean I know she can read. She reads to me every day and I love it. But my dear God in heaven I never thought she would ever read what happened to her. I asked Ann to read her the brochure and talk about what it says. The session didn’t go exactly that way but Ann did get a chance to talk to her about it. In the past few days the brochure has been floating around my house. She reads different parts all the time. She reads the part about a 5 year old girl, she says mom your name is in here! Sometimes she asks me to help her with the bigger words and I do. She reads from the beginning but always skips the word RAPE. It’s an ugly, scary word and I don’t blame her for skipping it. I just want to know if she knows what it means but I don’t have the courage to ask her. Did I make a mistake by creating Marley’s Mission? I don’t think so but I also know kids are mean and parents are misinformed. We all made a decision back in January of 2009. If we stay silent what does that mean for all of us but mostly her? To me it meant that one day she may feel ashamed and that is not an option. She should hold no social stigma because of what happened to her. She nor we will be defined by his actions only by ours!
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Today was an odd day for me. On the home front all is well. The girls had a great day and a great night. We went to Chuck E Cheese's in Dickson City and played for 2 hours. Lexi passed out when we got home which is pretty much unheard of around here. Kodee is very much into the computer nowadays and spends her free time finding new horse games and cooking games. Mike's watching sports on the couch and here I am in the kitchen answering emails, playing on facebook and writing to you all. I am listening to Eminem- Sing for the moment, bobbing my head back and forth and taking in his lyrics. This seems to be the only song that gets me through the days lately. I wasn't always a big fan of his and would turn the channel when ever he came on the radio until my friend Jen made me listen to the other songs he wrote. I have been hooked ever since.
I think my whole life I have used music to get through some of the toughest times of my life but never more then I do now. I remember all the songs that have gotten me through the last 2 years of my life. There where songs that made me cry and I liked that they made me cry, at that time I needed it. Then through the court process I swear I wore out the song "Say what you need to say" by John Mayer. It's what I needed to give me the courage to face all of you and the judge at the time I needed it most. The part that I would play over and over is: "Walkin' like a one man army Fightin' with the shadows in your head Livin' up the same old moment Knowin' you'd be better off instead If you could only Say what you need to say Even if your hands are shakin' And your faith is broken Even as the eyes are closin' Do it with a heart wide open Say what you need to say When I get outraged and just want to fight for the cause I have a few favorites that I always listen to. Dixie chixs - Not ready to make nice. Pink -" Dear Mr. President" and "Mosh" and "Sing for the Moment" both by Eminem. Not ready to make nice gets me pretty riled up and says it all in the title and follows it up with the chorus: I'm not ready to back down I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time To go round and round and round It's too late to make it right I probably wouldn't if I could Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself To do what it is you think I should They say time heals everything But I'm still waiting Need I say more? Then there is Pink - dear Mr. President. I know she is speaking to a whole other issue but in my head the issue she is speaking about is Child Abuse. I think you all pretty much know where I stand on the issue but it stuns me that our government has left our children to fend for themselves. It's hard for me to pick a part of the song to display here so I urge you if you haven't heard the song before to listen to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eRApNHSRRk And last but not least is Eminem. I know he is a hot button issue for a lot of people but thats not what I'm here to talk about. I'm talking about what his words mean to me and how they help me through some of my toughest times. They get me fired up when I think I have nothing left to fight for. They make me find my voice again and motivate me to motivate you. Does that make sense? Anyways... I remember way back when, when I was putting the powerpoint together for my school project and listening to "mosh" WOW did that song get me mad. It mad me mad for everyone who has ever suffered, who has ever had to look the monster in the eye and fight. The lyrics are as followed: Come along, follow me, as I lead through the darkness As I provide just enough spark that we need to proceed Carry on, give me hope, give me strength Come with me and I won't steer you wrong Put your faith in your trust, as I guide us through the fog To the light at the end of the tunnel we gon?fight We gon? charge, we gon? stomp, we gon? march through the swamp We gon? mosh through the marsh, take us right through the doors Come on All the people up top, on the side and the middle Come together, let's all form this stomp just a little Just let it gradually build from the front to the back All you can see is a sea of people, some white and some black No matter what color, all that matters we're gathered together To celebrate for the same 'cause no matter the weather If it rains, let it rain, yeah, the wetter, the better They ain?t gon? stop us, they can't, we're stronger now, more then ever They tell us, "No", we say, "Yeah", they tell us, "Stop", we say, "Go" Rebel with a rebel yell, raise hell, we gon? let em know Stomp, push, shove, mush Imagine it pourin?, it's rainin? down on us Mosh pits outside the oval office Someone?s tryin' to tell us somethin' Maybe this is God, just sayin' we're responsible For this monster, this coward that we have empowered This is Bin Laden, look at his head noddin? How could we allow somethin' like this Without pumpin' our fists, now this is our final hour Let me be the voice, and your strength and your choice Let me simplify the rhyme just to amplify the noise Try to amplify it, times it and multiply it by sixteen million People are equal at this high pitch Let the President answer a high anarchy Now onto the song that I am stuck on right now. Another Eminem song "Sing for the moment" It's what our kids do for the hour they are with us at Marley's Mission. It's there moment, there time to shine. The whole song just gets me on every level. Again this song has NOTHING to do with child abuse but thats the amazing thing about music. It's your interpretation of the words, how they make you feel. It's such a powerful thing and if it moves you then go with it. Let go and feel it. My favorite part of the whole song is: That's why we seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and hold it Cause we consider these minutes golden And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone Just let our spirits live on, through our lyrics that you hear in our songs and we can...{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years {Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon) Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away. The majority of you will never see inside of the arena at the mission but that's what it's all about. These kids seize the moment, freeze it and own it. I have been a bit confused about this whole blog thing. I didn’t know if I should write just about Marley’s Mission or if I could intertwine my personal life as well. So here are my thoughts on the subject. As a family when we decided to go public with Marley’s Mission we also decided as a family to hold nothing back. Are thoughts on that decision was that if we hid then we would be sending the wrong message to not only our daughter but to child victims and their families as well. We are not ashamed! My daughter did nothing wrong and we as a family we need to break the silence. It is no longer a subject to be swept under the carpet and only talked about with close family friends in a dark room. It is a subject that needs to be talked about. These victims are our future. Going back to my earlier posts quoting “Hurt people Hurt people” nothing has ever been truer. It is our duty as human beings to protect the least in society. It is their rights as human beings to be protected. Whether you support Marley’s Mission or another group dedicated to Children’s Advocacy is not important. What is important is that as a whole we rise above and start making a change for our children’s futures.
Ok I am off my soap box…. J Stay tuned because I have a lot to unload and thanks for listening! |