Just a note before you all read this. I wrote this on Thursday but with limited internet access I couldn't get this on the web till today. Today is Saturday July 2, 2011. I feel wonderful, fresh and INSPIRED!!!! I will write about this later today but just know I thank you all for last night!!!!! Oh What a Night!!!!!
Today has not been a good day… You know that song “Had a bad day again”? That could have been my theme song for the day. It was no different than any other day, busy with meetings and setting up functions but somehow it was different. I found myself crying as I drove to my 8am meeting in Clarks Summit. In my head, I just kept repeating “pull it together April” I pulled into the parking lot and applied my lip gloss, took a deep breath and walked in and smiled. No one wants to see a pile on the floor and I don’t want to be that pile on the floor either. It ended up that I was behind all day long on every appointment I had today. One thing to know about me t is I HATE tardiness and I can’t stand to be the one late. So, that was my theme for the day, bad mood, crying when I was alone but smiling when someone walked by. Its 4 days until the day… Some people would call it an anniversary of sorts but I can’t. An anniversary in my mind is a happy occasion, a time to celebrate. This is not. All I want to do is cry; mourn the loss of everything that was taken from her, Alexis, our family and the community. Just recently my daughter found out the actual day that the” bad thing” happened. Since then it has been pure hell …. She asks questions that I have no answer to, her sleeping habits have gotten worse and she even walked in her sleep the first night she found out the actual date. It’s hard for me to describe that recent night and the blank look she had on her face, the way she fought me when I tried to bring her back to bed. She was not herself and she wasn’t here with me. Somewhere far away almost 2 years ago she was trapped and I was yet again unable to help her. After the sleepwalking episode, I was lost and scared so I went to Ann for help and guidance. She was able to get my daughter in right away but I was unable to join them. From all accounts, it was one of the best sessions ever with her. Ann and my daughter talked about “scary” things and she even came home with “homework” to help her process things. As my daughter and I sat in her room going over her “homework”, we talked. We talked about what she remembered…. She remembered that it was very dark, the only light shining from her t.v. set. She remembered hearing her guinea pig Marley screaming from his cage as horrible things happened. She said was, “she couldn’t talk about what he did to her”. I then told her what I remembered from that night. I asked if she remembered Officer Ryan Deluccie, K9 Bruin and Officer Kevin Froese. She said yes, she did remember and that K9 Bruin was her favorite part of that night. From what I remember from that night, Kodee could only hear K9 Bruin barking from the police car. I saw Bruin going crazy in the car as I walked to the ambulance to be with her. I told her that one of the officers carried her to the ambulance and she said “Mommy, carried me to the ambulance.” I said “No Baby I didn’t.” She just stared at me and then said “But I told Mrs. Ann you did today.” I don’t know if you all remember but I posted awhile back about my memories of that night and I was wrong about some key moments. It’s funny how the brain works and I guess mine was telling me what my body needed at the time, just like my daughter needed to know that I carried her out. I wish I did carry her out but the sad fact is I let a stranger carry her. I was lost somewhere and I don’t even remember her leaving the house. I do remember when I left the house and the first thing I saw was Felix Montoya wearing only a T-shirt & shoes. I remember lunging for him and an officer walking up to me and then making a bee line for the ambulance were my daughter waited for me. I seem to have gotten off track a bit…. Since the last visit with Ann, my daughter has been better. She says things sometimes that throw me for a loop but I get past it and die when I am alone. She asks how many days until July 4th. I can honestly say I have never answered that question and she has never asked more than once in any given moment. She has stated that she needed to know how many days so she will know when he will be coming back. That just about killed me. It’s like a horror movie … As you all can imagine the tension is high in my house right now. You could cut it with a knife. I have no clue how to stop it and to be honest I am not even sure how we are all still standing. I only know that I get out of bed every day this week because I have to. Sure, I could lay in bed all day long and do whatever but my girls need me, as do others; at least that’s what I tell myself J The other day a member of Marley’s Mission tweeted to Antwone Fisher about Marley’s Mission and asked him to learn more about the Mission. He tweeted back about us and the emails flew like crazy. If you don’t know who he is then check him out. He is an inspiration to all. I knew the name but couldn’t put my finger on how or where I knew the name from so I googled him and started to read his bio. I was only a few sentences into it in when I realized that I did know his work and his inspiring words. He writes in his bio about his childhood or lack thereof. He states that the longing for that childhood was great. I sat and cried as I read everything he had to say. It was a good cry, I was yet again inspired. Through out what ever this man endured as a child he survived. He did better than survived he made it. I’m not speaking of his notoriety but he lived through this own horror story and it didn’t eat him alive. He survived. I don’t know this to be fact but I am fairly certain that he had his moments, who doesn’t? But, he picked himself up and pushed on. That is a survivor to me. I see the children at the mission and that is all they want; a childhood. Someone to love them that they can love back but somehow the ones that have fostered them or even adopted them just aren’t enough. They want their parents and who can blame them. They have a right to feel how they feel but the facts remain the same - no matter how bad they want them to be different. They seek love and attention; good or bad. It’s the need to be wanted. It’s human nature. I was moved by what Mr. Fisher had to say so I decided to email him. I didn’t expect anything back, but I did get a reply. I read his email many times that day. Yes, I was excited that Antwone Fisher emailed me but it was more than that… It was his message to me. It is a private message that I will share only with the children of Marley’s Mission. It was a message of HOPE. I pray I can do his message justice and the children will take it to heart. I am just a mom, a mom that mourns the loss of innocence. No harm has come to me that wasn’t self inflicted. Who am I to cry but I do it anyway. As a family we are all waiting with baited breath for July 4th to come and go. I have friends who on their day have their own routine. Some choose to get away and have fun others don’t. I haven’t found my routine yet - other than surrounding myself with family and friends. One day, hopefully, July 4th will be just another day for us. But I am not ready for that just yet. I still need to mourn. I feel if I let go too soon my daughter will feel alone have when she is in need. I can’t move past it and leave her behind. We will do it together because that is the only way I can envision it and the only way I want it. Have a happy and safe 4th of July and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for always being here to listen when I need you the most <3
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