The heat is one of Kodee’s biggest triggers. She doesn’t know the date of when the bad thing happened (no reason to ruin her summer) but she does know it happened and it was hot outside. It sends her into a tail spin like no other. After a very long day of swimming and sunshine at grandma and grandpa's house the girl’s passed out on the ride home. It takes us about an hour to get home so the girls are always in a deep sleep. Most parents would be thrilled with this however I am not one of them. We have a routine and the slightest misstep equals a flash back.
Mike gets out of the car first and unlocks the door and lets the dog out so he doesn’t wake the girls then goes back outside and waits until both girls are inside. I ALWAYS get Kodee first; if she wakes up by herself in the car then it’s over. As I open the door I start chanting “It’s me, mommy” over and over. I say it all the way up the stairs and as I lay her down. Most times I don’t change her into her pajamas because it’s too dangerous. I have tried many times before but usually end up with a kick or a punch to the head along with screaming. Once she is in bed I go back for Alexis. Well last night I didn’t bring Kodee upstairs because Mike and I wanted to stay up and do the coupon thing (we are both now addicted) so we laid Kodee on the couch and spread the coupons on the floor. Around 10:30 at night I could no longer read the coupons so I called it a night. We also have another routine in our house and that is checking then double checking all windows and doors in the house. When Kodee is awake this is something we all do together. So as we locked all the windows on the 1st floor then front door and back door I go to get Kodee off the couch and I notice we had put her in pants before we left grandma & grandpas house. That’s not good. Our house is HOT!!! And Kodee cannot be hot. So I go grab her some shorts to sleep in and make my way back into the living room. As I bend over her I start my chant “Kodee it’s mommy” over and over. “Kodee I am going to take off your pants and put on your shorts” over and over. It doesn’t work! She wakes screaming and kicking. I try and calm her and she falls back to sleep. New plan… She can sleep in the pants! I lift her up and carry her up the stairs. She mumbles some but I don’t understand what she says. As I lay her down in the middle of the bed I put the shorts under her pillow because I know that she will wake me up to change her and I need to know where they are. We are in bed for a few minutes and she gets hot. I try and tell her about the shorts but she doesn’t want to change so she moves to the floor then back to the bed then sideways, her head on my belly and her legs on Mike’s chest. She is still hot but wont for some reason put on the shorts. I don’t know why but I think I do. She gets out of bed and stands next to Mike and lays her head on his feet and sleeps that way for a few minutes then goes back to the floor. Of course I am just watching it all not really sure what to do or if there is anything I can do so I don’t. She finally gets up after about an hour of this and comes to my side of the bed and says “mommy I want my shorts on.” Now we can sleep. This kind of thing happens more times then it doesn’t My Flashbacks…. I get them too. It happens and sometimes I have no clue why. The mind wonders and for some reason always goes there. I guess Kodee and I are more in tune then I could ever imagine. On the way from grandma & grandpas house I was looking out the window and watching the scenery and BOOM! A bloody eye is all I can see. The details in the flashback always leave me breathless. It’s like I am right there. I can hear me screaming, her crying and the smells all come back to me. My therapist taught me in those moments to touch different textures. It works thankfully. Sometimes if I shake my head enough times back and forth it gets the bad out too. Over the weekend we went over to a friend’s house with the girls and it was nice and relaxing. The kids where all playing nicely together and at one point my friend brought out a game for the kids to play. When I saw the game my heart stopped, I went back almost 2 years and wanted to cry. I kept it inside because I don’t want to be that crazy person. What would people think if all the sudden I just burst out crying and asked for the game to be put away; not only people but most importantly Kodee. If she has no clue what game was played that day why would I bring it to her attention? So I said nothing, just smiled and watched. It grew dark and a fire was lit, marshmallows where brought out for the kids to enjoy by the fire. The night was almost exactly like 2 years ago, all we were missing was a drunken neighbor and……. To my knowledge nobody knew how I was feeling and that was fine by me. If Mike noticed he never said.
0 Comments
Kodee see’s Mrs. Ann every Wednesday. They flip flop between the office and the mission. So for awhile now Mrs. Ann has been trying to get a family session for all of us but Kodee was very resistant to the idea. So we all gathered at the Mission while Mrs. Ann tried to talk Kodee into actually doing it. I really don’t know why she didn’t want to do it; honestly I thought it wasn’t going to happen again. We have been planning this for awhile now and after almost 2 years this would be the first family session EVER! So as we are all gathered there my frustration was growing. I am human and yes I lose my cool on my kids. It happens J So I say to Kodee “look if you don’t want to do the family thing fine but then I get to pick what you do in session.” She agreed to that until I told her what I wanted her to do. You see last Sunday we were at the girl scout jamboree and the kids were playing and Mike and I were watching from a bench. We both noticed Kodee being overly friendly with a man we didn’t know. I walked over and said her name and she just looked at me and continued to talk to this man and give him a wet wily and a bunch of other stuff. If looks could kill this man would have been dead! So I ask Kodee to come with me and I asked her what she was doing? She had no clue what I was talking about. So I explained to her why it was wrong and why I was upset. I’m pretty sure she still has no clue what the heck I was babbling about.
So anyway after I told her I wanted her to work on that with Mrs. Ann she said let’s do the family session, but I only want mom and my dad in session. I looked to Mike who was visibly hurt and I was very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I told Kodee that I was uncomfortable and she said why? I said because I think if only your dad and I got in the ring with you then you may think we will get back together. (That’s a big thing with Kodee and I’m sure most kids) She said no I won’t I swear! I said I was still uncomfortable and that we are only a family if all of us are there. So Mike and Lexi joined us in the ring. Mrs. Ann explained the game along with the rules. Only Kodee could speak and give direction. We had to do exactly what she said! Nothing more nothing less. Extended Appendages Group Activity- Arena Setting Fundamentals of EAGLA Model Practice, page 80 Purpose: Roles, communication, and teamwork Set up: It is preferable to have more than one horse in the arena, but one horse is fine, as well. Have a halter, lead rope, blanket, and saddle available. We prefer our heaviest Western saddle (lots of straps). Instructions: (5 person family) Have the family line up side by side. Ask them to get connected by linking arms. Explain to the family that they are like one big body. The person standing in the middle will be the brain of this operation. The brain is the one who can talk, think and give directions. The outside people are the hands (left hand and right hand). As hands, they cannot think, talk or do anything at all unless the brain directs them (they must remain connected to the brain). The right hand can only use his/her right hand, the left hand can only use his/her left hand. All the arms in the middle can’t be used at all. Even let the brain know if we see him/her pointing, we will confront her/him on that, or if the brain has an itch, she or he will have to direct one of her “appendages” to scratch it (you can inject humor in your sessions!) In this style, ask the family to catch, halter and saddle a horse. Let the brain know that directions to the hands need to be specific, and hands need to wait for these specific directions (e.g., the brain can’t just say halter the horse.) The hands do not have brains, so each specific step needs to be described. Things to look for: Look at the non-verbal communication of each person and the horse. What happened in the process? How did the brain/hands feel in their roles? Was there communication from the hands? Was one hand used more than the other? Did they work together? When did things go roughest/ smoothest? Which horse did they choose and why? How did the horse respond? Who feels the most drained? So if anyone broke a rule Kodee said we had to stop and do 10 jumping jacks and we all had to self monitor. Mrs. Ann said GO and we just stood there waiting for Kodee to tell us what to do. She kept looking at me waiting for me to give her direction and when I didn’t she looked lost or at least that’s how it felt to me. After a bit Kodee got the hang of it and we completed the task at hand. After the session we debriefed with Mrs. Ann and Dr. Meagan who was acting as our horse specialist for that session. Mrs. Ann started the questions with Kodee, asking her how it felt to vocalize what she needed everyone to do. Kodee said she didn’t know. (Mrs. Ann only has one rule and that is never say you don’t know because we all know why we just don’t want to admit it)Finally Kodee said it felt good. Mrs. Ann then asked the group if we noticed anything while we were in session. I said I noticed that Kodee’s father broke every rule but didn’t stop and do jumping jacks and that bothered me. But that’s a whole other blog! J So then Mrs. Ann asked if anyone noticed anything else. Everyone was quite. She then asked if we noticed who Kodee kept looking at for help. Kodee said “My mommy.” How did it feel to know that mommy couldn’t help you Kodee? Again with the I don’t know. So Mrs. Ann moved on and said she noticed Kodee didn’t call on her father for help, instead she asked Mike to saddle the horse (Mike doesn’t know how to saddle a horse, but her father does) So we did some digging in that direction and the results I thought where good. A little back story on Kodee and her dad. Kodee refuses to tell her dad anything! She lives under the assumption that he has no clue about the bad thing that happened even though he was at both hospitals and the CAC with us and she wants to keep it that way. I don’t know the thought process behind it but I respect her decision. She won’t tell him how she feels or what she wants or if she is hurt or just plain anything. You can imagine the frustration on my end. I get pretty pissed that he gets to live in lala land while I am in the trenches. Anyways. Then it was Mikes turn to talk but I will save that for him. I asked him to write something that I could post about what he felt, thought, anything. So he is in the living room writing away. So here I sit waiting for the tornado to hit that keeps interrupting every station we turn on thinking about the last couple of days. A lot has gone on in my personal life and with the mission. All good on the mission front so no worries folks. Personal life well for now I will keep it to myself because I don’t know how to express how I feel while keeping my filter on. I am learning but it’s a pretty big undertaking. Sometimes it gets pretty frustrating not knowing what I should and shouldn’t write. How much do people really want to know? What is too much? I am human and things get me down just like everyone else. I have been known to throw a pretty good pity party on occasion but I get over it. Sometimes it just feels good to cry then it gets it out and you move on. I feel vulnerable a lot of the time because everyone is looking at us and if I make a mistake then it affects the mission. But I’m sure in time I will get used to that too. The first 3o years of my life I lived pretty carefree. I moved a lot and if I was done then I was done. No questions asked just see ya! Now that I am hopefully at the toughest point in my life I no longer feel the urge to run and hide. Which for me is pretty remarkable considering the amount of running I have done in my life. I swear my life could be a lifetime movie of the week at times but then again who’s couldn’t. None of us get out alive or unscathed it’s just what you do with it that matters. Sure I have wanted to give up a million times but then I look at Kodee and Lexi and all the other children and families that have impacted my life and I wouldn’t quit for anything. I may not have had a choice on July 5th of 2009 but I have one now. Felix Montoya will not ruin our lives and I refuse to let any other perp ruin the lives of the children we come in contact with. It’s a conscious decision that we all make, who we let affect us. Sure there will always be a part of all of us involved that will live with the trauma of that night but we have chosen as a family to face it head on. It is not a dirty secret nor is it something that should be down played. To down play it or not talk about it sends the message that we don’t care or that it shouldn’t be talked about. I feel like I am rambling so I will stop now. Mike is finished with his opinion of the session but you will have to wait until tomorrow to read it J Have a great night and thanks for caring! It means the world to us <3 For the past 5 days my dear friend Chrissy has been recounting the 5 days of hell her son Zachary endured at the hands of someone she trusted. I didn’t know Chrissy or Zachary at the time of his murder but because of the love of a mother she has kept his spirit alive with her photos, her stories and her advocacy. His 447 days on earth, all though short have left an impact on not only me but the community at large.
Our lives intertwined for one reason and one reason only; because both our children are victims. Two separate incidents with two different outcomes. My child lived and hers didn’t. I wish I can say I couldn’t imagine what it must be like but I can. I have many moments in my day that I think of the night and count my blessings that I didn’t stop on my way to kodee’s door. The outcome could have turned out much different and at my worst I thank God that I still get to hold her instead of laying flowers at her grave. Chrissy does not have that luxury. Over a year ago Chrissy Mclaughlin, Jenni Carper and I with the help of Gene Talerico put out a call to action. It’s simple really but not often thought of. The laws that are on our books now where written many years ago and never revisited. Most people don’t know them until they need to and then it’s too late. Zachary’s Law By Gene Talerico, 1st Asst. DA (Lacakawanna County, PA) The proposal is simple; it recognizes what we all know....there is something different, something more heinous, something deserving of greater punishment when a child is murdered. However, if you review the laws of Pennsylvania, with one relatively insignificant exception, you will find murdered children are treated no differently than anyone else...no more significant penalty, no recognition of the fact that adults are bound by law & nature to protect & care for children - not murder them. Several years ago, Pennsylvania passed a modified, some say watered-down version of Jessica's law. In its original form, Jessica's law (named for 9 year old Jessica Lunsford who was murdered by a registered sex offender in Fla. in 2005) called for a 25 year mandatory penalty for the most serious sex offenders. Significantly, Jessica's law also increased the penalty for sexual offenses against children to life in prison when the victim suffered serious bodily injury. Believe it or not, the fight to pass Jessica's law in PA was difficult. I was involved in drafting several portions of Pennsylvania's version of the law & saw firsthand the opposition to the proposal. As a result, we achieved partial success. Sentences were increased to Mandatory 10 year sentences (up from 5 years) and the provision calling for life in prison when serious bodily injury was inflicted during an offense passed. Here's the inequality...the part that makes no sense. During the battle to pass Jessica's law, I recall heated conversation with opponents of the bill - legislators and prosecutors. In those discussions, I argued Pennsylvania must enhance the penalty for murding a child along with enhancing the penalty for sexually abusing a child. The rationale for my argument: the way the law is now, a person convicted of 3rd Degree Murder for killing a child faces a LESSER SENTENCE that a person convicted of sexually assaulting a child and causing serious injury. That made no sense to me.... It actually encourages predators to murder; it doesn't deter them.... So, I and others, proposed the creation of a new crime, Murder of a Child, with stronger sentences. The details of the proposal will follow tomorrow...for now, read this and contemplate your thoughts on the inequality of the law as it stands. You can find the details of the rest of the proposal at https://www.facebook.com/childorg as well as Chrissy’s full account of her son’s life and his tragic murder. Chrissy, as a mother I weep for your lose. As a friend all I want to do is make it go away. I love you and my heart breaks for you. Just know that Zachary is alive in the hearts of over 4,000 people who have heard his story and are standing as one to see that he and thousands of other children are never forgotten. Godspeed Meatball <3 Dragon tales and the "water is wide" Pirate's sail and lost boys fly Fish bite moonbeams every night And I love you Godspeed, little man Sweet dreams, little man Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings Godspeed Sweet dreams God bless mommy and match box cars God bless dad and thanks for the stars God hears "Amen," wherever we are And I love you Song by the Dixie Chicks Remembering Zachary Today our dog Buster went to heaven. He was a little over 11 years old and was with us for over 3 years. We adopted him after we had Alexis from the Griffin Pond Animal shelter to complete our family. Mike and I went to the shelter and wanted a younger dog, one that would grow as our family grew. As we walked through the shelter we were greeted by barks and wagging tails. Then we saw Buster, he was the only one in the place not barking, Just sitting there waiting. We asked about him and the people told us that his owners moved and couldn’t keep him. We asked if we could take him for a walk and they gave us a leash. We walked around the grounds of the shelter and Mike was in love! When we finally brought Buster back in Mike didn’t want to leave him. I filled out the paper work and the shelter said they would check our application and get back to us about the adoption. Two days later I got the phone call that we had been approved and I could come and get him whenever I was ready. I remember Mike calling those two days at his lunch break asking if the shelter had called and me saying “not yet.” So when they finally called I didn’t tell him, I just hoped in the car and picked him. It was a surprise, my gift to Mike, the completion of our family. Buster and I drove to the pet store and picked out dishes and treats then went home and waited for Mike. As you can all imagine he was thrilled. The girls loved having Buster! There were times that we all didn’t like him very much, like the time Kodee and Mike made a pizza then walked into the other room to let it cool down just to discover that Buster had already eaten the whole thing. Or the times when I would return home from work just to discover garbage all over the kitchen, but now I find myself smiling at those memories.
Today Mike and I both knew before we went to the vets that we were going to put him down. How could we not? A member of our family was suffering and we knew Buster would never let go of us. He would have fought just to be with us. They say animals can do amazing things and hold on just for the ones they love. He was holding on even though he was in pain. Lexi stood with us in the room while we cried at making the decision. They gave him a shot to put him to sleep then said she would be back to give him the other shot that would end his life. As he drifted off to sleep we cried and held him. He looked so peaceful and no longer in pain. The vet came back into give the last shot and then it was over. They told us to drive around back and pick up his body. As we left the room lexi said “I can’t leave my boy, Buster my boy.” I told her we were going to pick him up out back. She always called him her boy. When Kodee left for school this morning we had told her that she may not see Buster again. She didn’t really say anything. She patted his head and said she loved him. I tried to talk to her about it but in true Kodee fashion she didn’t want to talk. When the “bad thing” happened Buster was outside with us while the girls where in the house. That is a moment I relive almost daily. If Buster was inside I know he would have ripped that monster from limb to limb. He would have told us that someone was in our house. Truth be told I have no memory of Buster that night when everything went down. I do remember Kodee asking me where he was that night. He was her protector from that night on. He looked like Bruin the cop dog that was at our house. She asked several times if we could train him like Bruin. From that night on if you walked past the girls Buster would give you a warning bite. Not deep or to rough, just enough like he was saying “I’m here and I will Kill you.” For that Buster I will always be grateful. You gave her back a sense of security; you gave us all back a little bit of what we lost that night. When Mike picked Kodee up from school he told her the news. She cried and asked who would protect her now? She sat there for a few minutes lost in thought then she said but now he is protecting Papa June in heaven. For those of you who don’t know Papa June is my grandmother who passed away last year. For some reason Kodee could never say great grandma so she said Papa June and the name stuck. When we left the vets office Mike and I decided that the only place Buster should and would be buried is Marley’s Mission. We called Rebecca and asked for a few shovels (which I will return to you tomorrow) and headed up to the same spot where we buried Marley back in December. We dug together in the pouring rain while Lexi watched holding her Dora the explorer umbrella. We placed Buster in his grave over looking our future home for Marley’s Mission and placed Marley in the same grave. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. Shoveling dirt over a family member is just too much for anyone to take. I wanted to tell the vet who Buster was, he wasn’t just any dog; he was “Marley’s” dog. I wanted to make sure she knew how special THIS DOG was to us. But I didn’t. I felt silly for expressing emotion. I have a hard time with that. I wait until I am alone then cry. Healthy or not that’s what I do. So at the top of the hill overlooking our new campus of HOPE and HEALING lays the only witness to what my daughter endured that night and the dog who made her feel safe after. Goodbye Buster my boy, we will always love and miss you! |