For two days now I have been a bit off. The first day I really had no clue why and paid little attention to what my body was telling me. That night when I shut my eyes I saw HIM but I shook it off and after a bit I was able to sleep without any problems. This morning I woke from a nightmare, I have no clue what it meant but the bottom line was I was scared and I felt it. Then I died….I woke with a start only to find Kodee in my bedroom doorway saying mom, mom! It was time to get her ready for school. In between the routine I received a phone call that I had a pick up and it was in Taylor, PA. The voice inside my head said really!!! Today?? But you push it aside and move forward because life still goes on with or without you.
Kodee on the bus and Lexi at PreK I let Kyle & Gene know my dream and my destination. I suppose I hid most of my anxiety because I felt foolish that a town could bring me to my knees in an instant. It’s not like I haven’t been back there in 3 years, I just hadn’t been back on behalf of the mission to pick up a child so I suppose that’s why it hurt. After I dropped the family back home I stopped at the Turkey Hill for a coffee and I remember repeating these steps in May, June and July of 2009. As I swung the door open I started to cry so I kept my sunglasses on, poured my coffee and ran back to the van. Once inside I made the decision to go back there for what I have no clue but I felt the need to. It was only a block away but in that block I passed a Taylor police car, I held my breath and as the car passed I let it out slowly. It wasn’t Kevin or Ryan… I realized in that moment I wanted it to be one of them. I made the turn and just watched. I crawled by the house noticing everything. The fire pit was gone, in Kodee’s old room red Valentine’s Day hearts hung in the window. They had painted the front porch and back deck. My flower beds were covered in snow and the big rock we had put at the edge of the lawn to keep people from driving on the lawn was gone. Two cars in the drive way but no sign of life, I guess that’s the way it should be right, like a mausoleum. As I drove I noticed our old neighbor Bruce was home but I didn’t stop I kept driving because just around the bend was HIS house. I never knew which one was HIS specifically except from my back deck I could see it but I didn’t have that advantage so I counted. His family has since moved, to where I have no clue. I went back home, threw on my running clothes and hit the gym. I felt better after for the most part but something still clung. It’s funny in a way because the past 5 months have been filled with so much happiness that sometimes it’s easy to think it’s over and on occasion that it never happened; those days are a blessing. At 2:45 like clockwork Kodee gets off the bus talking a mile a minute. A boy liked her; he told her so on the bus ride home. She doesn’t feel the same for him but listening to her go on and on makes me smile. When I tell her I need his address so Kyle & Ecko can pay him a visit and she believes that he will and shriek’s NO MOM!!!! As night sets in the girls bathed and it’s almost bed time I sit with my glass of wine looking back at the horror, pain, excitement and joy wondering how the hell I got here and why us. I get hung up on the why us part a lot. I hate the standard response to that statement so you all know, but that’s not a place I want to visit tonight. I can't figure out what tonight is but it's almost over and I take comfort in knowing that in just a few short hours this will all just be a memory.
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