Alexis had a high fever of 104.3 last night. I spent the night watching over her because I was too afraid not too. Add to that the sound of Kodee’s bus early this morning that finally woke me up. I scrambled to get her ready and out the door in 20 minutes so she wouldn’t be late for school. Put this all together: you have a recipe for a bad day. Something inside me felt a bit off and I couldn’t place it. Then I received a text from a friend that informed me about the sentencing hearing scheduled today for Jerry Sandusky.
She was livid. I had been away from my computer and had not heard the news. As I logged on, it was all over Facebook. People proclaiming: “Justice is served”. I felt it in every inch of my body as my heart beat elevated and my limbs went numb. I know from years of therapy learning about body awareness this is my sign that soon I will be in a full blown PTSD flashback. Trying to get my mind to focus on the task at hand; Lexi and her needs but I couldn’t shake it. I sent a note to Kyle and Gene that I wasn’t ok. I spoke with them both and it helped a bit but it was still there lurking. In my mind I’m back there, walking down a dark hallway not a care in the world, just checking on my sleeping 5 year old daughter. The rest you already know. Then my mind goes to the survivors I personally know. Those who have never received justice for the crimes committed against them: one mother and her son in particular. I texted her to see how he was and she hadn’t heard the news yet. We texted back and forth our outrage at this new development in the case: How in the world did such a light sentence get handed down? Why did the judge decide that 30 to 60 years in prison fit the crimes that occurred? We may never know the logic the judge used to determine the sentence that he handed down but speaking as a human being, the mother of a survivor as well as working hand in hand with survivors I can’t help but be outraged. The sentence handed down does not take it all away and make the victim whole again. However, it does bring with it a peace of mind. I remember on February 2, 2010 coming home to Kodee and telling her that never again will Felix Montoya hurt anyone, that the judge listened, he understood. And because of that, handed down Life in prison plus 20 to 40 years. She smiled a smile I had never witnessed before and one I haven’t witnessed since. For my friend and her son, they will never see the inside of a court room. I remember the newspaper accounts and the trial, I remember the toll it took on her son and watched as he slipped back a few steps because he could identify with one of the boys. I remember watching the guilty counts being handed down, texting back and forth with this family and how tears of joy for the victims and feeling a small sense of peace for this boy who will never see justice handed down to the people who hurt him. Reading the accounts from today’s sentencing, I can place myself back in the court room waiting on my turn to speak. The only recollection I have is Gene’s position in the room and the fact that I repeated the same sentence over and over. I’m not sure if people could even understand what I was saying because I cried like I had never cried before. I needed the Judge to understand, without a doubt, that the acts of one night cannot be erased and how deeply it had affected every aspect of our lives. I remember the Judge reading the letter Montoya wrote saying that why should he be punished for life when it was only one night and one bad decision. I also remember the judge saying to him that writing that was the worst decision he could have possibly made. In reading the accounts of today there is no remorse, no acknowledgement of wrong doing, no apology. These young men deserve at least that. But insteadSanduskyspoke these words "Others can take my life. They can make me out to be a monster," he said. "In my heart, I know I did not do these alleged disgusting acts. The pain continues as I think of those who made the allegations. These are people I cared about, and still do," he said. “I tried to bring joy, I tried to make people laugh, and we will continue to fight. There is much to fight." I have no words to even tell you all how that makes me feel mentally and physically… Right now my mind is on the 10Sanduskysurvivors and what they are feeling at this moment listening as this monster speaks these horrible things. And when they hear the sentence, are any of them smiling that smile that Kodee did two years ago or are they left feeling less than. I hope they don’t feel less than, because what they did by coming forward was amazing and heroic. Your voices have heard by the world. In closing, if you would all do me a favor and check out an incredible blog written by my friend about her and her son’s journey from disclosure to now. It’s graphic at times and heart wrenching. But its real and honest and she says the things that people don’t say out loud about child sexual assault and the toll it takes on the entire family. http://fortheboysfromthismom.com/?page_id=174 Besides my daughter I have thought of nothing but you today Vale, you are a shining example of turning a tragedy into inspiration, your dedication to young people who have experienced what you have and your willingness to find your voice and speak at vigils, to volunteer and become a leader. You are breaking barriers and stereotypes. Always know that you and your family have given me HOPE at times when it all feels hopeless. I will forever be thankful for that, Aprl "There are many differing viewpoints on nature versus nurture, and there are those who believe that bad behavior can be excused and understood if a person doesn't know better. The theory that someone who has been abused as a child will go on to abuse their own children, and so on, because they don't know differently is widely held. But children know. We all know. Learned behavior, when a child is abused, he or she knows, even as it is happening, that it is wrong. I knew. I was abused. When a child is treated unfairly in any way, he or she knows that it is wrong. I knew. I was treated unfairly. And when a child is treated with love and affection, he or she knows that it is right. I knew. I saw how other kids were treated with love and affection by their parents. I knew. My soul cried out to me and told me so. We all know. We all know right from wrong. Our souls cry out to us and tell us so. And we decide, we make our choices, and we are responsible for those choices. We, no one else but we, decide. Anger, hurt, pain, humiliation, fear, dread, confusion-all these emotions we choose. Do we hold on to our anger, our pain and humiliation, and hit back, or do we strive to understand that we can do better?" — Rosemary Altea
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